haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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