you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
