standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
