Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
