Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
