I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
