he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
