There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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