I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
