omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
