Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
