what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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