People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
