You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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