dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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