Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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