I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
