It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
