Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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