just tell him i said nine months
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
