Umm I'm too high to move.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
