Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
