do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
