Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
