Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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