Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
