i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
