Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
