does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
