That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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