I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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