Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
