the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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