You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
