4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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