feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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