you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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