life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
