Cold hands, warm shart.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
