dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
