Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
