Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
