You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
