It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
