I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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