If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
