Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
