did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
