She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So apparently I’m into choking now
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