im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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