I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
50% drunk capacity currently
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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