Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
