So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
