I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
